We all know that Republicanism stands for conservatism, and that means conserving all of the good progress we made over the last decade (before you-know-who came and wrecked everything). And that includes conserving our progress in becoming (as comedian Lewis Black has said) “the fattest f*cks on the planet.”
The USDA, under the Obama administration, had written new nutritional guidelines for school lunches to ensure that subsidized student lunches would be more healthy, in particular, prohibiting tomato sauce and french fries from being counted as vegetables. Kind of important, especially given that the number of students being provided free or subsidized lunches has steadily increased over the past three decades and the kind of crap we’ve been feeding them has been a health hazard in itself. But Republicans in Congress are fighting hard against this change, fighting for your childrens’ right to pizza and french fries and obesity! This week they passed a new appropriations bill that rolls back these changes, saying that they wanted to “prevent overly burdensome and costly regulations and … provide greater flexibility for local school districts to improve the nutritional quality of meals.” Yeah, they said that, with a straight face. And of course they forgot to mention the financial assistance their reelection campaigns have received from the pizza, potato and salt industries (yes, we have a “salt industry”) on the bill’s behalf. And never mind that this course will mean future higher health care costs to be shared by all. I think the local school districts will be doing lots to take care of all of that because, of course, they are awash in funds to cure all social and medical ills.
Of course, free lunches only go to those kinds of kids, and we know what they’re like. I don’t know why they didn’t just mandate that these kids be given salty potato gruel, with a note on it that reads “F*** off.”